For the past 6 years (2019-2025)I had kept several tabs open on my phone because their presence reminded me of the last time I went to Ukraine. It was like clinging onto the remnants of that summer. I couldn’t bring myself to delete them because deleting them felt like I would be letting go of Ukraine. I finally got myself to delete them off my phone though because I’m running so low on storage that over over 100 of my tabs got automatically deleted and I can’t lose these. I figure it’s also probably smarter to document all the tabs and take screenshots because technology is ephemeral. I could lose my phone or someone could steal it, these websites or the pages could stop existing and I would lose them forever. But at least I’ll have a few screenshots (saved on this site and downloaded to an external hard drive) as reminders of some of the events I went to and spaces I’ve been in in Kyiv.
I’m at a point where I can’t think about Ukraine or Kyiv anymore. It physically hurts to think of that era of my life. It’s almost as if I’m experiencing grief. It’s a place that exists but I can’t go to. But it almost feels like a place that only exists in my memories even though I see images and videos of it on my social media feeds nearly every day. And maybe that’s true, the Kyiv that existed 4 years ago does not exist anymore. I first wrote this entry several months ago and it feels weird editing it now, a day after the 4 year anniversary of the war. I think of Kyiv all the time and I pray for the day Ukraine will finally be liberated. And I look forward to the day I can be in a free Ukraine and free Kyiv.